My husband wrote this after spending almost two hours rocking, pacing, walking, swinging, patting and rubbing our baby’s back, and trying a lounger pillow (twice,) two different cribs, a bassinet, a baby swing, and a bouncer chair. It took us over two hours to get our son to sleep.
Our son goes through phases where he fights sleep in the evening, so we exhaust ourselves, and all of our resources, trying to get him to sleep when all we want to do is sit together without one of the twins screaming. This specific day, he hardly slept all day and had his 4 month checkup with shots. Not even a bath, warm bottle, and snuggles were able to soothe him enough to sleep. Now that I laid the groundwork, here’s his (censored) thoughts….
Please stop asking how my night was.
On February 24th 2022, I was blessed to receive my son and daughter. I was filled with emotions, both good and bad. Fear washed over me as my wife was rushed into the operating room after losing our daughter’s heartbeat on a non stress test. I was over taken with excitement after the longest 10 minutes of my life was filled with internal questions like “am I going to have to chose between my children and my wife?” Hours later, things are happening that no husband wants to see his wife go through. Patiently waiting on the side of the room until I’m told that she is okay and won’t have to be rushed back into emergency surgery, all while waiting for a call from the NICU that my son and daughter are well and good.
Flash forward to 4 days later. Bringing my wife home was both a blessing and a curse as we started the long recovery that would include an hour drive to the NICU almost every day because we both refused to leave anyone behind. Three weeks would go by and I would lose my job because I prioritized my family over being a good employee.
Flash forward to 4 months old. Daily questions come in on whether or not the babies slept, how they are doing, and when people (who have went months without even thinking about us suddenly have an interest in coming over and acting as if they truly care) can make plans to come over to see them. Yes, I said them, because still no one wants to see us.
With all of this being said, I would like to take this minute to kindly ask that you please piss off. Until you’ve gone an hour each way to Pittsburgh to see your premature babies born 7 weeks early barely weighing 4 pounds, please piss off. Until you’ve experienced two screaming newborns riddled with reflux that would make Linda Blair jealous, please piss off. Until you’ve had to leave one baby in the NICU alone while you take the other home to start their life, please piss off.
I understand that all of the advice and “I did it this way when I had kids” is very well-intentioned(even if it’s not, I’m going to think it is), and I don’t mean to discredit any of that, but having two babies is completely different. Yes, we still have sleepless nights, crying, diapers and formula, but we also have the amazing nights where one baby is screaming so much they can’t breathe, getting them calmed down then immediately having to deal with the other baby doing the same thing. Like I said, I get “this is how I did it” might be the only way you think you can help, but I promise you, it doesn’t. I promise you that saying things like “sleep when they sleep” or “just bring them to my house, they miss me” doesn’t mean s*** in the grand scheme of things. Again, well-intentioned, but 100% completely useless.
Wrapping all of this up in a nice bow. If you’re reading the passive aggressive tone in my voice and asking yourself “is he talking about me?” Yes. Yes I am. I ask that you read this message and let it sink down deep. I am so glad that you were able to get the baby to sleep by laying them down and walking away, but that won’t work for us. I’m so glad you didn’t have to wake your baby up every three hours to feed them because they weren’t grossly underweight, but we didn’t get so lucky. I am so glad you had your baby then 3 days later got to bring them home with you, but we didn’t have that. I am so glad you were able to nap when they did, but we weren’t. Having twins is by far the toughest and most rewarding thing I have ever done, and I wouldn’t trade having them for anything. I only hope that this message resonates with you and inspires change in you. Again, kindly, piss off.
My husband has strong emotions and takes his role of protector over our family very serious. Where I am too much of a people pleaser, he has learned the importance of putting up a wall, especially when it comes to the well being of our family.
Is there advice that is offered to you, but often ends up frustrating you more than anything? What roles do you and your significant other have in terms of caring for yourselves and your family? What are your views on “shielding” your children from people who try to be in their lives, but only when it’s convenient? I want to hear your opinions!
Stay sane! ~Kate
TheMamaBird 